I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
