3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
They took my balls.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
