just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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