Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
