I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
