UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
