i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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