I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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