i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
