You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
