Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
