when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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