Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
