So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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