My liver just broke up with me...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
