put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
