Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
