I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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