I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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