Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I will pee on everything he values.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
