I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
