i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
