It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
