My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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