So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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