i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
