I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
