Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
