you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
