She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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