i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
