My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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