1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
