i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who died my cat blue again?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
