Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
