I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
