I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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