she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
