drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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