Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
