im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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