I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
