Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
