if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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