She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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