I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
