try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
