I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
