Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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