She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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