I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
